Aizen's budget cut
by Mulattogurl
Summary: Aizen is having trouble with the bills in hueco mundo so he comes up with colorful ways to make ends meet. Many of the espada find this new "budget cut" to be quite hard to deal with, especially grimmjow. Extreme crack fic. rated T for cursing.
1. Budget cuts

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Hell, I don't even own this computer I am using to write this, or my stolen internet I'm using to post this. (Please don't tell Comcast).

An: This is an extreme crack fic, a weird idea that came to me in the bathtub. Seriously, I was in the bath tub and made this up. Excuse the typos and numerous grammar errors!

The ten espada silently sat in their place around the long table, awaiting the honorable, amazing, great, better-than-your-mother god-like man, lord Aizen.

None of them knew what the meeting was about, besides the fact that it was supposed to be important. The light pink, sparkly flyer that had been placed on the door of each espada had said so. It also said if anyone missed the meeting they would be forced to give Gin a sponge bath. Thus, each espada was present.

The double doors suddenly opened, and in walked Aizen followed by his faithful wingmen, Gin and Tousen. They each took their seats, besides Aizen who remained standing at the head of the table, an idiotic grin plastered across his face.

"I'm sure you all are wondering why I called such an urgent meeting at this time of day"

"Damned straight I was in the middle of a bath" Yammy shouted.

"Oh please, we all know you don't bathe, so shut up and listen"

The large espada's face reddened at the comment but he fell silent. Aizen smiled at the red faced espada and continued.

"It was brought to my attention that we are a couple thousand dollars over our budget this month, and it looks like we will have to cut back on some expenses."

A loud groan erupted around the table.

"This means, many of you will have to sacrifice some of your hobbies and the extra crap you purchase every week."

Stark, who was actually awake for this meeting spoke up.

"So, what exactly are you cutting back on?"

Aizen's grin spread even wider as he exclaimed," Oh nothing too bad, just no internet, snacks, video games, designer clothing, Netflix, make up.."

Szayel paled at the last item and jumped up out of his seat "WHAT? NO MAKEUP? JUST WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITHOUT." He stopped suddenly, realizing that each person around the table was looking at him as if he had lost his mind. "I mean, I don't wear it, I just..I just feel sorry for the..uhhh..women.."

Grimmjow smirked. "Fag. I knew it! You owe me 20 bucks Ulquiorra!"

"I don't owe you anything Trash" the emotionless espada replied.

Aizen continued smiling with his idiotic grin."Continuing. There will be no more trips to the human world either, no more cell phones, cable, coffee, red bulls.."

Stark burst out crying.

"But lord Aizen! How am I supposed to stay awake for these meetings?"

Aizen continued, ignoring the half awake espada. "And, you will only be given $200 a week, which is up to you to ration how ever you see fit to use it"

Harribel spoke up. "This is crazy, how are we supposed to live off of $200 a week? I mean with food and other necessities there's no way we can do that!"

"Pfft. How about not spending $300 on self tanner then Harribel" Aizen replied.

Harribel stiffened, with an offended look on her face. She then fell silent.

Nnoitra shook his head. "Oh god, this is gonna be a boring fucking month."

"It's Aizen, but you may call me god if you wish."

Gin snickered.

Aizen smiled."If any of you don't agree to these terms you can have your head shaved, your powers stripped from you, join the soul reapers, and have giant orgies with all the captains and lieutenants every Tuesday."

Yammy fidgeted in his seat. "Do they…do they really do that on Tuesdays?"

"So, since were cutting back on expenses I guess we won't be having tea anymore."

A cero blast explodes through Luppi's chest. He falls to the floor, his mangled body twitching at Grimmjow's feet.

Aizen face twists in anger. "We _will_ have tea, honey flavored tea to be exact."

Grimmjow stands up. "That's _bullshit_, how come you get to keep all your wacky shit?"

"Because I'm a god, and gods don't sacrifice anything. Only his bitches get to suffer, which means you mister kitty."

Aizen turns to face his unhappy followers. "Now you are all dismissed."

Mumbled curse words are heard as the espada exit the room.

Once the room is empty and only Aizen and his two right hand men remain, Tousen speaks up.

"Um Lord Aizen, I was reading over the budget while you were speaking and it seems to me that you may have been mistaken."

Aizen cocks his head to the side. "How can you possibly _read _anything? You're freaking blind!"

Tousen clears his throat. "Well, I may be blind but I can still see things."

Aizen stares. "That doesn't make any sense."

Tousen pulls out a sheet of paper. "My lord, I made the proper calculations and I found that we are actually right on the budget, as a matter of fact we have over a thousand dollars left over. I don't see why we need to cut back on anything."

Aizen snatches the paper and reads over it carefully. After a few moments, the giddy smile returns to his face. "Well you see that's only because you left out the six thousand dollars for my new entertainment system I'm having installed next week."

Tousen's jaw drops. "Entertainment system?"

Aizen claps his hands together in excitement. "Oh yes! And it's gonna be sooo cool! It's got a blue ray player, a 62'' inch flat screen television, complete with surround sound!"

Gin begins jumping up and down like a teenager at a rock concert. "Oh lord Aizen can I watch it too?"

Aizen grabs Gins hands. "Of course you can Gin! Who else am I going to watch the jersey shore boxed set with?"

Gin squeals loudly.

Tousen rubs his face. "Lord Aizen is this all really necessary? I mean this all seems a little extreme. The espada are really upset about this budget cut."

Aizen stops jumping around with Gin. "Pfft. Who cares about them, they probably don't even have souls."

Gin pipes in. "Or any fashion sense."

Aizen laughs. "See Tousen, people without souls or fashion sense deserve to suffer. Now, tear that paper up and help me decide what color wallpaper to put in our new super-cool-no-espada-allowed-fun-room."

Gin screams. "Weeeeee! Can we have shag carpet and bean bag chairs too? Oooo! Let's put in a mini fridge!"

Tousen turns to his Lord. "I thought you were just putting in the entertainment system?"

Aizen smiles. "I was, but you can't have a cool new t.v. and sound system without a rec room to go with it."

Tousen rubs his temples. "Lord Aizen how much will all this cost?"

Aizen scratches his head. "I don't know, but if there's any more money left over we can buy a puppy too."

Gin dances around and starts singing loudly."PUPPIES!"

a/n: oreos are so freakin good! I wish I had some right now. Review? If you do I will share!


	2. Prostitution and Tunafish sandwiches

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or any of the characters. Kubo Tite does! If I did own bleach I'd be rich! Muahahahahahaha!

I just wanted to say thank you to those who read/reviewed and favorite my story! You guys made my day! Now onto chapter 2!

Grimmjow made his way down the narrow corridors of the sleeping quarters of the espada. He was mad, no he was fucking pissed. Ever since the high and mighty lord Aizen enforced this bullshit "cutting expenses" rule everything in hueco mundo just plain sucked! He couldn't relax without his special medication and he already killed off several of the fraccion just this morning. He was never a pleasant person, but lately his anger was out of control. He cursed to himself loudly as he stopped in front of his destination. He knocked loudly on the door. A rustling noise is heard before he hears Szayel yell from inside the laboratory.

"Get lost I'm busy"

Grimmjow stares at the door, "come on man open the door. I really need some! That prick Aizen got rid of my stash!"

"I already told you Stark, Aizen confiscated all my plants, now GET LOST!" more rustling is heard inside the room. "Perhaps with you not being fried twenty four seven, maybe then you can actually stay awake and get some work done."

Grimmjow begins pounding on the door. "This ain't Stark fagboy, now open the fuckin door before I blast it with a cero!"

"Oh, Grimmjow it's you. All out of meow mix I presume?"

Grimmjow growls "Dammit Szayel I'm losing my freaking mind! I need a bag, NOW!"

"Oh grimmkitty what makes you think I have any?" Szayel's voice comes from behind the closed door. "Besides don't you have like eight plants growing in the attic? Let's not forget the ones under your bed as well."

Grimmjow hits the door with his closed fist. "Argggh! That freakin fox faced bastard took them too! He claimed that the plants required water, which costs extra money, so they had to take them."

The door unlocks and swings open revealing a disheveled looking Szayel. "Okay then, here take it." He throws a small ziplock bag at the startled espada. "That'll be $100."

Grimmjow quickly catches the bag and immediately begins rubbing it against his face. A content purr is heard from his throat. "Wait, why is it so much? Hey! I usually only pay twenty dollars!"

Szayel runs his fingers through his matted pink hair. "Well prices went up Grimmkitty, and I have to have extra so I can buy my makeup-I mean my playboys."

"Fag." Grimmjow throws his wad of money at the pink haired man before skipping off to his room, a very noticeable spring in his step.

"Who cares if I don't have money for food. I'll just start prostituting myself to Harribel's fraccion again just like last year! Sex for a tuna fish sandwich, it's a freakin full proof plan!"

Grimmjow makes it to his room and shuts the door. "Yay, catnip for me!"

(A/n: shame on you for thinking grimmkitty was referring to something else! You all have terrible, criminal minds! )

Aizen whistled happily as he made his way to the meeting room. Despite his lack of sleep from the previous night, he was in an excellent mood. He and Gin had spent the entire night playing video games and watching avatar on his super cool new television set. He chuckled lightly as he entered the room.

The espada (minus Luppi who died of his previous injuries), all looked up as their lord entered the room. Aizen smiled as he observed his bitches, I mean loyal subjects. Harribel , who was noticeably pale, sat in her seat with a miserable look on her face. Syzael had his head lowered with his pink hair covering his face. Grimmjow sat at the back of the table, whistling some upbeat tune. Stark, well he was actually wide awake and sat with his eyes focused on Aizen.

"Good morning my beautiful espada! How has your week been so far?"

A murmured "fine" was heard from some of his subjects.

"Wonderful!" Gin smiled.

"I'm awake." Stark stated.

"I think I started a diet, but I'm not sure" Yammy whined.

"You twisted fuck, you blocked all the porn sites!" Yelled Nnoitra.

"I can't find my reading glasses." Tousen says, as he looks around the table.

"Everything is just awesome!" said an enthusiastic Grimmjow. "I love you all so much!" He then reaches over to hug a surprised Ulquiorra.

Aizen sits down at the front of the table. "Fabulous! I was worried you all would have killed yourselves by now."

Gin laughs. "Yes, that would have been unfortunate to say the least."

Aizen takes a sip of his tea, letting the delicious honey flavor take over his senses. "Mmmm That's good! Now on to the business. I've decided to push our weekly sparring sessions to three times a week because I couldn't help but notice that some of you are slacking in your espada duties. After all, we must stay on our toes if we want to kill those goat raping soul reapers in a few months."

"They have goats at petting zoos in the human world. You even get to feed them little pieces of corn!" Grimmjow says, still holding onto Ulquiorra.

Ulquiorra pushes away the sexta espada and looks over at Aizen. "Yes lord I believe that some of us have started to act like lazy, whiny trash. I think it's a good idea if we increase our sparring sessions."

"Pfft! You stay so far up Aizen's ass Ulquiorra, why not give him a blow job while your at it! Your not having any problems cause we all know your not missing out on shit, considering the fact that all you fuckin do is sit in your room all day and read books." Nnoitra growls, his one eye narrowed at the green eyed espada.

"You illiterate trash, I doubt your tiny brain can even spell blow job." Ulquiorra replies without even glancing at the angered man.

Stark begins banging his head on the table in front of him, mumbling incoherent words.

"I also wanted to pass out this week's issue of the espada news letter!" Aizen says as Gin begins passing out a copy to each espada. They each silently read over the bright orange colored paper. "This week's charades will be held in Tousens room at 8 pm. Please make sure you bathe and wear clean socks so we can avoid any altercations like last time."

Harribel rolls her eyes and puts down the flyer. The blonde headed woman was still holding a grudge against her lord for his denying her precious self tanner. She looks off to the side, completely ignoring Aizen as he continues to read off the paper.

"Also, I now declare every first Monday of each month to be Aizen appreciation day. I expect all of you to write me a heart felt card describing how much you love an adore me being your leader. Please make sure you put effort into these cards, as I will be unhappy if they just plain suck. Gifts are to be turned in to Gin's office and make sure you use white wrapping paper. Because if you don't, I'll probably kill you."

Several of the espada stiffen at Aizen's statement. Yammy speakes up.

"So, do we like get a prize if we write the best "appreciation" card?"

Aizen frowns. "Your _prize _is having the honor of basking in the greatness that is ME!" Aizen brushes his loose curl back from his face and continues.

"Funeral arrangements for Luppi have been called off due to the obvious budget cut. I have instead disposed of his body in a more proper manner. I had Tousen butcher up his remains and incorporate them in last night's Lasagna."

Each person around the table immediately begins throwing up the contents of their stomachs. Stark pukes directly onto Harribel's lap. She screams loudly and slaps him across the face. Stark passes out and Grimmjow just sits there laughing to himself.

"What the FUCK is wrong with you?" yells Nnoitra.

"So that's what that odd flavor was." Yammy says, being the only person who didn't throw up.

Aizen picks up his paper and continues reading. "If we could all flip on over to the back I'd like to go over a few more things." The queasy, bewildered espada all turn over their flyers to read the back. A picture of Gin in a hot pink bikini greets them on the back page.

"Oh my god! What is this shit?" Grimmjow yells.

"Gin, for the love of Aizen!" Harrible covers her eyes.

"That's cute, what other size does it come in?" Syzael states with a smile on his face.

Aizen ignores the espada. "Wednesday is now bikini Wednesday! And whoever has the best ensemble will get a ten dollar gift card to Bestbuy."

"Oooo a gift card!" Gin claps.

Grimmjow pulls a bag out his pocket and begins rubbing his face against it.

Harribel crosses her arms across her chest. "I'm not going to wear that. I refuse to exploit myself like that Lord Aizen."

"Please, wearing that type of thing will be more of a cover up for you Harribel" Yammy mumbles.

Aizen folds his hands and smiles. "There also will be a 11 p.m. lights out rule that will go into effect during the weekdays. I have gotten several complaints about someone's "nightly activities" that have been keeping people up at night."

Harribel glares at Nnoitra. "Sheesh, you would think Aizen getting rid of your porn would keep you from doing that, but I guess you still found something to get off of! Pervert!"

Nnoitra grins. "You should be happy dear, considering that I'm using nude photos of you I bought from Syzael."

"What! Syzael you bastard!" Harribel yells as she leaps across the table onto the surprised man. The two proceed to beat the crap out of each other, all the while Aizen sits calmly sipping his tea.

"I'm so glad we could go over this news letter and I'm very sure you are all eager to get started on your thank-you cards. With that note, you are all free to go."

"FREE TO GO CRAAAZY!" Grimmjow yells as he strips off his clothing and begins dancing naked on the table.

Aizen rubs his temples. "_Who_ gave Grimmjow catnip!"

A/n: So am I the only one that thought Grimmjow's release form looked like the goat guy from Narnia? ….I guess I am….ha ha ha Review?


End file.
